In episode 32 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and I dive into a topic that quietly sabotages intimacy in many relationships: people pleasing and sex. Often viewed as generous or loving behavior, people pleasing can actually disconnect us from our authentic selves, undermine erotic connection, and drive a wedge between partners—especially in the bedroom.
What happens when sex stops being about mutual desire and becomes a performance? What gets lost when one partner tries to be “good” at the cost of being real?
Let’s explore the deeper emotional, relational, and psychological dynamics at play—and how to shift toward secure, embodied intimacy.
The Attachment Roots of People Pleasing in Sex
Many people who struggle with anxious attachment tend to over-function in relationships—constantly anticipating needs, minimizing conflict, and centering their partner’s desires in a desperate attempt to avoid abandonment. This pattern often extends into the bedroom. Dr. Sue Johnson calls this Solace Sex—a form of intimacy fueled by anxiety and the need for reassurance rather than genuine erotic desire. While it may temporarily soothe attachment fears, it ultimately reinforces insecurity, feeding negative cycles that erode authentic connection and make lasting intimacy hard to sustain.
In the realm of sex, this can look like:
- Agreeing to sex even when tired, hurt, or uninterested
- Believing they must perform well to be loved
- Suppressing personal desires or boundaries to avoid rejection
- Feeling responsible for their partner’s pleasure or orgasm
On the surface, these behaviors might seem selfless. But in reality, they’re often rooted in fear, not freedom. And over time, they chip away at authentic erotic connection between both partners.
When Sex Feels Like a Chore
One of the most problematic—and unfortunately common—messages discussed in the episode is this: “Just have sex more, and your relationship will improve.”
That advice might be well-intentioned, but it’s dangerously simplistic. As Kim shared, a therapist once told a client to have sex with her husband three times a week to fix their marriage. That kind of “prescription” bypasses the emotional context entirely. It ignores the partner’s consent, stress levels, attachment wounds, and embodied readiness.
When sex is reduced to a quota or obligation, it becomes performative. It’s no longer about connection—it’s about appeasement. This dynamic can lead to:
- Emotional numbness
- Growing resentment
- Misattunement between partners
- Decreased desire over time
Sex is no longer something we choose together. It becomes something we tolerate for the sake of stability.
Reclaiming Erotic Pleasure
The antidote to performative sex is personal erotic responsibility. As Kim says in the episode, “You are responsible for your own pleasure. It’s not your partner’s job.”
This mindset shift is foundational to secure relationships. When both partners take ownership of their pleasure, boundaries, and needs, they can meet one another from a place of agency—not anxiety.
Owning your pleasure means:
- Listening to your body’s cues before saying “yes,” “I’m open to seeing how it feels as we connect,” or “no”
- Exploring what actually feels good for you
- Letting go of shame around desire or disinterest
- Making intimacy a co-created experience—not a chore list
This doesn’t mean ignoring your partner’s needs. It means bringing your full, honest self to intimacy—so connection is built on truth, not performance.
Rewriting the Sexual Script
Every one of us carries a “sexual script”—a set of expectations we’ve internalized about what sex should look like. These scripts often come from:
- Religious teachings
- Media and pornography
- Family messages
- Early relationship experiences
Without examining these influences, many couples default to outdated or harmful sexual norms that prioritize frequency or technique over connection and presence.
In the episode, Kim and I discuss how important it is to consciously co-create a sexual script that fits your relationship. One that is fluid, respectful, playful, and rooted in consent. A secure sexual script makes space for conversations like:
- What turns us on emotionally and physically?
- What kinds of touch do we want more—or less—of?
- How do we want to communicate during intimacy?
- What helps us feel safe, relaxed, and connected?
This script isn’t written once and sealed. It evolves as you evolve. It’s a living, relational conversation.
Moving from Pressure to Play
Ultimately, the goal isn’t just to “fix” your sex life—it’s to transform it into a space of mutual discovery, emotional connection, and creativity.
When we remove the pressure to perform, please, or prove something, we make room for play. That playfulness—whether in laughter, new experiences, or shared vulnerability—is where intimacy flourishes.
It’s not about doing it “right.” It’s about doing it real.
Key Takeaways from the Episode:
- People pleasing in sex disconnects you from your body.
- Performative sex creates resentment and emotional distance.
- Owning your pleasure is a radical act of self-love.
- Co-creating a sexual script builds safety and play.
- Intimacy thrives on presence, not pressure.
If you’ve been stuck in cycles of people pleasing, guilt-driven intimacy, or sexual avoidance, this episode is a powerful starting point for change. Whether you’re in a relationship or navigating this individually, you deserve a sexual connection that feels safe, mutual, and meaningful.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Listen to previous episodes of the podcast below:
Transcript for Episode 32: People Pleasing and Sex
In today’s episode, Kim and Kyle discuss how people pleasing and anxious attachment can lead to performative, disconnected sex—and what it takes to reclaim authentic intimacy. Let’s dive in.
Kim:
If you have an anxious attachment, you might start using strategies like people pleasing, right? You learn, “Oh, if I just please the people around me, maybe they’ll stick around. Maybe I’ll be seen as valuable or worthwhile.”
Kyle:
And people pleasing absolutely shows up in the bedroom. You might start having sex even when you’re not open to it, even when you don’t want it—because you feel like you should. You think that’s what a good partner does.
Kim:
And that leads to so many problems. For you. For your body. For the relationship.
Kyle:
Yeah. It turns into obligatory sex. Which is not fun or sexy.
Kim:
Right! It’s like, “Okay, let’s just get this over with. Get the orgasm. Roll over. Goodnight.” That’s not intimacy. That’s a chore chart.
Kyle:
Do you know that a therapist once told a client she needed to give her husband sex three times a week?
Kim:
Fire them. Seriously—public service announcement: if your therapist tells you that, fire them. That advice completely ignores what’s actually going on.
One—you feel pressure to have sex.
Two—what’s going on in your body that you’re not open or interested?
And three—what’s going on in the relationship dynamics that are blocking connection?
Kyle:
Exactly. You could follow that advice, sure. But chances are, you’ll be checked out. Maybe resentful. Your partner will feel it. They might start to think you don’t actually enjoy being with them.
Kim:
And that pulls the relationship further apart. Instead of creating passionate, playful, creative intimacy, it creates distance.
Kyle:
Unfortunately, we hear that kind of message everywhere. From therapists, from religion, family, media. All these voices saying, “This is what sex should look like.”
Kim:
And it’s exhausting. Because it takes away the power from the couple—it stops you from co-creating your own sexual script.
Kyle:
Yeah, someone else gets to dictate what you do in the bedroom. That’s not intimacy. That’s performance.
Kim:
It steals your creativity, your playfulness, your eroticism. Not every sexual experience needs to be penetrative. There are so many ways to experience pleasure and connection.
Kyle:
But when sex becomes a “three times a week” requirement? That’s when it becomes a dead-end.
Kim:
It becomes performative. You lose the pleasure. You lose the spontaneity. You replace it with resentment and routine.
Kyle:
So what do we do when we want to please our partner, but also want to stay connected to ourselves?
Kim:
We start by asking: What’s going on for me that people pleasing is a strategy I’m using?
Kyle:
What messages did I receive? About sex, about being a partner, about what it means to be good or lovable?
Kim:
Religious messages, family messages, cultural scripts. Personal experiences that told us, “This is what you have to do to keep a relationship.”
Kyle:
Attachment science tells us—there’s always a reason behind our strategies. But we can start to understand and unwind them.
Kim:
And can I say something controversial?
Kyle:
Here we go.
Kim:
You are responsible for your own pleasure. Not your partner. Not anyone else. When you own that, you free up your relationship.
Kyle:
That’s a major paradigm shift. So many people grow up thinking, “I have to be a good lover. I have to make my partner orgasm.” But that pulls us away from our own sensations and our own body.
Kim:
Yes! Instead of being tuned into what’s pleasurable for you, you become hyper-focused on your partner’s experience—on being good enough.
Kyle:
And that disconnects us from co-creating a meaningful, erotic relationship.
Kim:
So here’s the progression:
- Get to know your own body.
- Own your pleasure.
- Communicate with your partner.
- Unwind the old messages you’ve internalized.
Kyle:
Because you don’t want some high school teacher, a religion, or a random Reddit thread defining your sex life. You want to define it together.
Kim:
I love how Emily Nagoski talks about this in Come As You Are—she uses the metaphor of a garden. You’ve got these weeds—old messages, cultural scripts—and they take up space. They keep you from planting what you want: pleasure, connection, eroticism.
Kyle:
If you don’t clear out those weeds, you won’t have room for your own flowers.
Kim:
Exactly. We need to sit down with our partner and say, “What feels good to us? What do we want to create?”
Kyle:
For the people pleaser, that means letting go of the belief that you’re responsible for your partner’s pleasure. You’re responsible for your own. And it’s okay to live authentically.
Kim:
It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to say the soft no we talked about in the last episode.
Kyle:
When you do that—when you show up authentically and co-create a sexual script—you will have the best sex of your life.
Kim:
Promise. From both of us.
Kyle:
Because now it’s coming from security. From connection. From creativity—not pressure.
Kim:
So if you find yourself constantly people pleasing… if you’re stuck in obligatory sex… stop. That pattern is actually getting in the way of great sex—and a good relationship.
Kyle:
Explore why you use that strategy. What are the roots? What messages did you pick up from culture, religion, your sixth-grade sex ed teacher?
Kim:
Then decide: What messages do I want to keep? And what do I want to rewrite?
Kyle:
This is the work we do with clients—individually and as couples. We help you redefine sex, create your own script, and build a playful, erotic relationship that works for you.
Kim:
Start by owning your pleasure. Let your partner do the same. And then—co-create something extraordinary.
Kyle:
Let go of people pleasing. Let go of pressure. Create a relationship where both of you get to be—without performing.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
1. What is people pleasing in relationships, and how does it show up in the bedroom?
People pleasing in relationships involves prioritizing your partner’s needs at the expense of your own to avoid conflict, rejection, or disconnection. In the bedroom, this can look like agreeing to sex when you’re not emotionally or physically open to it, or focusing entirely on your partner’s pleasure while disconnecting from your own.
2. How is people pleasing related to anxious attachment?
Anxiously attached individuals often use people pleasing as a survival strategy to avoid abandonment. They may believe that if they meet their partner’s needs—even at their own expense—they’ll be loved and stay connected. This attachment-driven behavior can lead to performative sex and loss of authentic connection.
3. What is performative sex, and why is it harmful?
Performative sex happens when someone engages in sexual activity out of obligation or expectation rather than genuine desire. It often lacks emotional presence and intimacy, which can lead to resentment, disconnection, and feelings of being unseen or unheard in the relationship.
4. Why is “obligatory sex” problematic in long-term relationships?
Obligatory sex may keep the peace temporarily, but it erodes emotional and physical intimacy over time. It can leave one partner feeling used or detached, while the other may feel undesired or like a burden. Rather than fostering closeness, it often pushes couples further apart.
5. What should I do if I’ve learned that sex has to happen a certain way or frequency (e.g., 3 times a week)?
Challenge those external scripts. Whether they come from therapists, religion, family, or media, those rules may not reflect what feels good or true for you. Great sex is co-created by partners—not dictated by arbitrary standards. It’s important to explore what works for your relationship, not what you’ve been told is “normal.”
6. How can I stop people pleasing and reclaim my sexual agency?
Start by getting curious about the root of the behavior: what messages did you receive growing up? What are you afraid might happen if you stop people pleasing? From there, begin to own your own pleasure—get to know your body, your boundaries, and your authentic desires. Communicate those with your partner and co-create a new dynamic built on mutual care and curiosity.
7. Is it selfish to prioritize my own pleasure in a relationship?
Not at all. In fact, owning your pleasure creates a foundation for deeper intimacy. When both partners take responsibility for their own desires and experiences, it removes pressure and allows for more honest, playful, and fulfilling connection.
8. What is a sexual script, and how do I co-create one with my partner?
A sexual script is the internalized set of beliefs, habits, and expectations around sex—often shaped by culture, family, religion, or past experiences. Co-creating a script means intentionally deciding with your partner what intimacy looks like for you both, based on curiosity, consent, and emotional safety.
9. How do I start having these conversations with my partner without causing conflict?
Begin with vulnerability. Instead of saying what’s wrong, express your desire for deeper connection:
“I want to explore new ways of being close with you.”
“I’ve realized I’ve been people pleasing, and I want to share what’s really going on for me.”
Stay emotionally grounded, focus on your internal experience, and invite your partner into co-creation—not blame.
10. Where can I learn more about these practices?
You can follow Kim and Kyle on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts. You can also enroll in their Secure Attachment Path course, linked in the show notes, to explore your attachment style and learn tools for building secure, connected relationships.
